Dealing with the Bad while Pursuing the Good

Good evening interfriends
            

I feel it is time for an updated blog! A lot has changed for me in the last 6 months, and I feel that writing can sometimes alleviate the inevitable anxiety I experience that accompanies change. Warning, this is an extremely long blog post… for those that make it to the end… good for you! Gold star :)

This isn’t really a blog to update my life on the interwebs per say. Anyone who follows my social media pretty much knows on the surface how things have been going in Byn world. Instead, this blog post is going to get at a more serious topic that underpins my life. That is dealing with PTSD (depression, anxiety, a fucked up childhood and adolescence/whatever you want to call it) and all of the accompanying symptoms that go along with it while trying to move forward and live the life I feel I deserve (or want to deserve.... it’s complicated).

I’m not sure why I feel an urge to blog about this now. I have wanted to publicly discuss this area of my life for a long time, but always couldn’t bring myself to put my fingers to keyboard for fear of being viewed differently or judged by my peers (don't judge me fuckers).

I’ve always danced around the topic of mental health in my previous blogs and tended to keep an “arms-length” distance between my writing and my personal struggles. I feel I am ready now to share, as I find myself finally living and actually (in my mind) achieving my dream as a professional, overcoming what I felt I could never do, but wanting to be completely open and honest with myself and others in the hopes of helping those who find themselves living with similar experiences to mine but stuck in a cycle of treading water psychologically and behaviourally.

The idea of “treading water” is not new to my blogs. In working with people in a variety of health related environments for the last 8 or 9 years I have seen the same cycle over and over again of people struggling with inertia and being unable to unload the psychological baggage and trauma they carry with them, and I always truly relate with these people. Let’s face it, for a good percentage of the population, life kinda sucks… a lot sometimes, and the way our society is built it can make us feel oh so very alone.

Without getting into the nitty gritty details of my own life (we can grab a tea or margarita if you want to hear the nuances sometime), I have suffered a fair amount of what can be labelled as “trauma”. I have been physically and mentally abused by my mother and her boyfriend, sexually assaulted, and have been through 2 serious car accidents, in which the second one I really shouldn’t have survived (good ol’ survivors guilt).

My experiences are most likely to varying degrees very similar to you, the reader. We all go through trauma because life sucks. That is because life is also beautiful and great beauty cannot exist without great suffrage in my humble opinion. These traumas can bog us down and taint (hahaha I said taint) how we view the world, behave, as well as how we treat ourselves and others… but only if we let them.

So on that note…. I’m going to share five insights I have learned while dealing to overcome my past to achieve my future despite the cards I’ve been dealt (or have dealt to myself)

1. Be reflective on your behaviour and what you stand for: If you have been through some nasty shit in your life, you are most likely going to try and self-sabotage your future. I don’t know why we do this to ourselves (I have my theories), but in my experience, it is terribly difficult to out run our past lives and if people have made you feel like nothing, you will for whatever reason behave in a way that will consolidate your own poor view of yourself. I find this was particularly hard for me to overcome as I experienced trauma repeatedly at a very young age. However, I have learned to really analyze my behaviour and when I feel I have not performed at my best in regard to what is in line with my goals (see #2) I sit back and reflect. In a late night (and wine fuelled) conversation with my wonderful father, he once said to me “Rob, one day you will look yourself in the mirror and will really examine the worst parts of yourself….. and you’ll cry, but in order to become a better person this is a painful step you’ll need to take”. If you are looking for growth and are finding yourself treading water… I suggest you try this out (warning: it sucks, a lot). You cannot move forward without truly being honest with your weakness.
   
   
2. Determine what you want out of life and what matters most to you (and be happy with that): For those of us with traumatic pasts that have struggled to find our true identity this is another difficult step (or at least it was for me). This world is large and complex, and it’s hard to find our place and where we belong. Trauma and a lack of love discolours our view of the world. It makes us feel we are “less than” and only deserve what others have lead us to believe through others unkind actions and words. However, I have learned that if you want something, and want it bad, you will do whatever you can to achieve your dreams. It won’t be easy, as you will tend to self sabotage (see #1) and due to trust issues not ask for help/push others away (see #3). For me, it was to help people. By helping people, I find self healing and peace. I have held on to that goal tightly in hard times and it has helped me overcome my barriers.
   
   
   
   
3. Take help when it’s there (and find it if you don’t think it’s there): Relying on others when you have been hurt badly is extremely difficult. It’s hard to trust people, and people can be unreliable at best. It is even more difficult when you do not have a strong family unit/have family trust issues to form a solid base for to stand on. This has been (and continues to be) the biggest barrier to my success and overcoming my self-sabotaging tendencies. However, the few times I have actually been able to fully trust someone and believe they like me for me (and not my social mask) have been extremely rewarding. In regard to how to make this step…. I’m really unsure. Saying “put yourself out there” is so cliché, but it’s kind of the truth. Ask someone out for coffee and don’t be scared for them to get to know the real you.
   
   
4. Allow yourself to grieve: This doesn’t just apply to trauma, but also bad choices and behaviours. There have been instances in which I have not performed at my best, self-sabotaged, pushed people away, and behaved poorly. The hard part is being reflective of these behaviour and allowing yourself time to grieve and learn from the mistakes you have made (as well as your past traumas). This doesn’t mean sitting in your pyjamas every night eating ice cream and feeling sorry for yourself and your life. It’s about allowing yourself to truly feel all of the emotions that come along with being a dink sometimes but also moving forward in learning. I find the second part is where most people get stuck. We seem to be very good at wallowing in our own self-loathing of our various fuck-upperies, but have trouble with the “well, I’ll learn from this and try harder” part. Being aware and open to the idea of emotional grieving is the first step to overcoming the cycle.
   
   
   
   
5. Critique your inner critic: Negative self talk is the worst. I seriously feel sometimes I have a little Robyn sitting in my head dressed all in black with wet hair and a cigarette going “well, you sure made an ass of yourself there” or “no wonder no one calls you, you’re really no fun”… that Robyn is a bitch. Apparently (at least from my readings) for those of us that have been through some stuff, negative self talk can get a little out of control… or more in control! Learning to ignore this automatic (and they really are automatic) tape recordings that go off in my brain in certain (usual social) situations has really been a major break through for me in improving my inner self worth and overall life quality. The way I started to do this (I don’t need to do it as much anymore after 3 years of practice), was every time emo Robyn would chime up from her dimly lit bar stool in the corner, I would simply say to myself “there my brain goes again”. Eventually my negative brain chatter became progressively quieter, which has allowed me to focus my energy on more productive things than hating myself.
   
   
   So there you have it. I actually feel a bit of anxiety posting this to the world, but it’s time. Hopefully it can help someone else out there that is struggling with this whole life thing.
   
   
   Stay Strong
   
   
   Byn